As a congregation grows, there is inevitably a time when they begin to outgrow individuals sharing joys and sorrows aloud. We are not at that point right now, but there is a need for clarity about this sacred time of sharing. The good news is that this conversation is a completely normal part of a healthy fellowship and the fact that we have concerns and passion around these issues is evidence of how important this community is to us. So I’m excited to share a reflection on our Joys & Sorrows time.
Each week there is a time in our services when we invite the sharing of joys and sorrows. It is normal, when there is a traditional thing we do week in and out, we fall into a rhythm and we stop listening to what’s happening in the room. Especially when the invitation is to share something ourselves, we stop hearing and we begin waiting for our turn to speak.
With this in mind, I post these words so they don’t get lost in the motions of our service.
Joys & Sorrows is a sacred time for us to share what weighs on our hearts. As UUs and perhaps people who have been deeply hurt by various “church” communities, this is as close to a time of prayer as we get each week.
This is a time to share personal joys that you are celebrating so that we can celebrate with you as a community. It is also a time to share personal sorrows that weigh on our hearts so that we can support one another in our times of sorrow or grief.
It IS the time for those things. Let’s talk, briefly, about what this time is not.
•This is not a time for announcements. Joys and sorrows are intentionally not broadcast online and so logistically it’s not the right time for announcements and it also just doesn’t fit here.
•You’ll notice that I use the word, “sorrow” and not “concern.” This is not a time to air a grievance with a specific person or to just generally complain. In order to be in true community with one another we must be willing to be direct with one another, in private, when we have an issue. I am more than willing to mitigate and assist in conflict resolution when it is needed, but the first step to resolution will never be to stand in front of everyone and admonish the group or an individual.
•This is not a time gossip. Perhaps you’ve been to one of those churches where the prayer requests sound a lot like gossip. If you don’t have direct permission to share, please honor the privacy of one another and don’t share.
With the state of our world, some of your sorrows may seem “political” to those listening. Perhaps we can all agree that whether it is now or at some other point in our lives, there are times that the things happening in our nation and our world may fall into a category of being “political” and simultaneously have deep impacts on us personally.
The laws and restrictions that are being introduced which impact people of color, women, people in the lgbtqia2+ community - anyone who is marginalized - may feel personal to those in this room and we grieve the ideals of freedom and liberty that we may feel are being breached. And in the south, in a community where we may already feel isolated because of our morals and values, we need a safe place to feel these feelings.
Sharing a joy or sorrow related to how these things have impacted you personally is not a political statement. It is not an endorsement or a direct admonishment of any one party or person by this fellowship. We, as a fellowship, will not endorse a candidate or tell you how to vote because that could be perceived as a violation of the First Amendment to The Constitution of the United States which establishes a separation church and state. However, it is NOT a violation of the first amendment for you to feel what you feel.
Perhaps you don’t know this about me but my second major during my undergraduate degree was Political Science. Combined with my master’s degree in Theology, I feel uniquely qualified to share these words
I hope that you trust me enough because you chose me to be your minister, to know that I would not put this community at risk by steering you in the wrong direction related to these matters.
When you stand at the lectern specifically during this time, sharing a joy or a sorrow, you are speaking from your personal experience. You aren’t speaking officially on behalf of this fellowship or on behalf of the UUA.
Do try to remember that you are speaking to people who are generally like minded and a lot of explanation is probably not needed. It’s basically preaching to the choir and it may solicit eye rolls from the room.
If there is a thing “to do,” or a call to action, related to your personal joy or sorrow, please invite people to speak to you afterwards rather than sharing that specific call to action from the podium or make an announcement at the beginning of the service for your call to action.
I invite you, even if you are hearing the same joy or sorrow someone has shared 100 times; Even if, as you see them stand, you know exactly what it is they are going to say; Even if you know you don’t agree with them - I sincerely ask you to listen to one another with empathy and love. We all know how isolating the world seems right now. Give one another the opportunity to feel safe and brave and at home here.
Now for some logistics:
We ask that you honor this sacred time each Sunday morning in the following ways:
If you have a joy or a sorrow to share, please come forward and place a stone in the water.
Come to the lectern, I know it is tempting, but you will make Stew and Richard very happy if you do not touch the mic. If you are standing behind the lectern, it will pick up your voice, I promise.
We have new scribes. Please share your name (and if you feel comfortable) share your pronouns before you begin to share your joy or sorrow. Don’t assume that our scribes know who you are.
Please be as brief as you can so that we can honor everyone’s time and also so that we leave space for joys and sorrows of others in this room. Seriously, one sentence or two is usually enough to get your point across.
In this time of uncertainty and fear, now more than ever, we need one another, we need to be able to share in our joys and to mourn our sorrows TOGETHER.
My dream for us is that we can allow the joy and sorrows time to shift into being a time of supporting one another - Loving one another -Leading by example for what it means to live in community with one another…
With love at the center.